Federal Government Survival Guide

This might seem like a silly exercise at first glance, but with the Fiscal Cliff and Savage Austerity looming, I submit to you: Europe.

Sarkozy. Gone. Berlusconi. Gone. Papandreou. Gone. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, almost gone.

Riots in London, Greece, Spain, Portugal.

Financial chaos, collapsed political parties, secessionist movements, Nazis.

Perhaps our government and major political parties will sail right through austerity and come out smelling like a rose. But with such a vast swath of our population living in poverty, let’s just say that I am a tad nervous about what might happen when the food-stamp money is cut off.

So Washington, here’s a few helpful hints to start winning the hearts and minds of Americans, and yes, such a campaign is necessary:

Austerity – forget about it. Political stability is one of the few remaining advantages that we have over most nations. When things go haywire overseas, US treasuries and the dollar are the safe havens. If we deliberately create instability, with our huge debt and deficit, we are playing with interest-rate fire. We can’t afford higher interest on our debt because we are too big to bail.

Fire Leon Panetta. How is Congress supposed to work on a budget when the SecDef is threatening them? Fire him and bring the Pentagon back under civilian control. Then cut its budget. Adopt the Swiss military philosophy.

Roll back the empire – it’s a giant money sink. Do some nation-building right here.

Give the people their jobs back. Seriously, just give them back. Bring home the maquiladoras. That’s a million jobs right there. Put a moratorium on legal immigration. That’s another million jobs. Cut off temporary work visas. Another million jobs. You can win the hearts of 3 million Americans just like that.

Put this guy in a Supermax prison:

Crack down hard federal employees that squander tax dollars. It doesn’t have to make a big financial difference. Taxpayers will eat it up with spoon. People love justice, you know. Hearts and minds. It could even be a hit TV show. A perp-walk in every episode! Actually, we might need a new prison to hold all of these skunks. Give the prison-guard jobs to veterans.

Those are just a few ideas. I have lots more, but it’s not really my job. After all, angry mobs with pitchforks aren’t going to be coming after me, now are they?

Of course, it is entirely possible that the austerity marching orders are coming down from a level above – above Congress, above the White House, above the Supreme Court, above the Constitution itself. Maybe the orders are coming from the Beijing/multinational axis of which the USA is merely a conquered province. If that is the case, then I can see the bind you are in.

But there is only one thing for it:

A second War of Independence.

And the first shot in that war will need to fired by the House Republicans. They must depose John “Beijing” Boehner. Then Congress can get busy leveling the playing field of international trade and bring some factories back home.

The Chinese hold over a trillion dollars worth of US treasury bonds, and they want them paid back in un-inflated dollars. I have no doubt that they, and the multinationals, will be more than happy to march us into their sweatshops to pay off the debt. Remember, there’s a sweatshop in your future.

Nevertheless, restore American sovereignty. It’s just the right thing to do.

The British Empire was a much tougher foe; they were actually able to land armies on our shores. The Chinese can’t do that. They can’t even capture tiny Taiwan, right on their doorstep!

The multinationals don’t want to pay their existing taxes, let alone any new ones imposed by a Grand Bargain in December. So, they will fight hard for austerity. And if you add their Cayman Islands stash to China’s foreign reserves, you can see that we are up against a foe with a several-trillion dollar war chest.

But we hold the trump card: the largest consumer market in the world. We can deflate the Beijing/Multinational axis with a simple tariff on their sweatshop-made imports.

I say we play that card while we still can – before all of our middle-class consumers are turned into rag-pickers.