Archive for the ‘Comedy’ Category

But Duck Dynasty *is* Gay Friendly

Wednesday, January 1st, 2014

In all the talk about the Duck Dynasty publicity stunt, I didn’t hear anybody mentioning that the star of the show, Uncle Si, is a very effeminate man. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.

If memory serves, Uncle Si has stated, in at least two episodes, that he was contemplating “getting in touch with his feminine side.” According to my redneck sources, that is the equivalent of coming out of the closet down at the trailer park. In this clip, we see Uncle Si donning lipstick, nail polish, a tiara, and a feather boa:

In the next clip, we see Uncle Si teaching the ladies how to sew. While I am sure that there are plenty of heterosexual men who can work a sewing machine, I have never met one of them. And Uncle Si can sew like a Saipan sweatshop girl:

Uncle Si is a married man, but what with all the “beards” on the show, who knows?

Speaking of beards, that’s why I won’t be watching the new season. I watched the series a few months ago to see why it was so popular. But the beards are visually revolting, as well as the celebration of rancid body odor. If you do watch, make sure not eat for a couple of hours beforehand. It’s ironic that the Robertsons constantly make snarky remarks about the “yuppies” while they themselves are a bunch of conformist fashionistas who look like a bunch of clones – every man with a beard, camo, and B.O.

Another thing that really annoys me is Willie’s desecration of the American Flag. Back in the day, he would have been beaten senseless by patriotic bikers for sopping up his greasy hair with the flag. How is it possible that looking like a dirty hippie has become fashionable among rednecks?

Willie Robertson

Willie Robertson, Duck Commander CEO

The show really isn’t very compelling. Ducky Dynasty is like The Beverly Hillbillies without Ellie May – with worse acting, and worse writing.

Ellie May Clampett

Ellie May Clampett

And if you want to see real men battle the elements, you’ll be better off with “Alaska, the Last Frontier” which is the ranch where singer Jewel Kilcher grew up. The Robertsons shoot birds and squirrels in their swamp. The Kilchers shoot bears and wolves in Alaska’s majesty.

A lot of Duck Dynasty fans are libertarian/anarchist/Tea Party types who want to abolish the federal government. But if it weren’t for Uncle Sam’s patent laws protecting Phil Robertson’s invention from competition, there probably never would have been a Duck Commander fortune, and no hit TV show – let alone trophy wives for the boys.

Books Are Like Kryptonite to a CEO

Saturday, April 20th, 2013

I was listening to former General Motors CEO, Edward Whitacre, Jr. droning on in a podcast, and was just about to hit the fast-forward button when I was jolted awake by this amazing statement:

“You learn by observing, watching, asking a lot of questions, and that’s the way I went at it. I didn’t do a lot of reading…”

Whitacre knew nothing about cars when he got the CEO job at GM. And not only did he not read anything about auto manufacturing, he sneered at the very concept of reading. Listen to how he says the word at the end of this audio clip:

So, Corporate America, there’s your trouble right there: anti-intellectualism.

Apologies to Chris Rock.

(Note: the audio clip above is from C-SPAN.

A New Mascot for Facebook

Wednesday, May 30th, 2012

With Facebook shares face-planting 25% since their IPO, I think a new mascot is order. I propose the manatee. We have a lot of rules about the endangered manatee here in Florida, such as this one:

Do not disturb a resting manatee. Sleeping manatees sometimes rest in a “face-plant” on the river bottom, rising for air every few minutes. It is unlawful to interfere with these normal activities.

I did not make that up. Look, there they are, face-planting:

This isn’t a traditional face-plant, but its pretty funny:

Armageddon Averted

Sunday, November 6th, 2011

After the bell on Friday, the Chicago Mercantile Exchange issued an announcement about margin requirements. It was pretty vague. Nobody could decipher it. And then a great man came forward. Wielding space-alien-like intellectual powers, he read the announcement and issued a proclamation.

That man was “Tyler Durden” of Zero Edge.

What did he proclaim? That the mysterious message from the CME was a dramatic margin call on all futures contracts: stock futures, bond futures, currency futures, gold futures, pork bellies, number six heating oil, Bulgarian goat cheese, you name it.

In all, a $100 trillion global market meltdown would commence when the CME opened for business Sunday night.

As you can imagine, the Great Man’s people were baffled and confused. But “Durden” strode among them, reassuring one and all, that yes, the end was indeed near. No plaintive cry in the comments section was too insignificant for the great leader’s magnanimous attention.

And then the CME clarified the announcement. Turns out, it was no big deal. The futures opened on Sunday night flat as pancake.

“Tyler Durden” acts like he is privy to esoteric financial knowledge beyond the reach of mortal men. But this episode shows that he is just a loud-mouth knucklehead writing a glorified tabloid. And his readers are even dumber. Just about all of the idiots commenting on that post believed it! They believed that the CME had pulled the pin of a nuclear hand-grenade and then swallowed it!

What a spectacle of stupidity! Keep them coming “Durden”!

P.S. If the world does end today, it will only be a coincidence, and “Tyler Durden” will deserve no credit. When he was born, the doctor slapped his ass, and baby “Durden” shrieked “Armageddon!!!” And he’s been at it every since. Sort of a nuclear-powered “boy who cried wolf”.

Mutant Russian Dogs Poised to Invade Alaska!

Wednesday, August 24th, 2011

The Russians are planning to build a tunnel under the Bearing Straight to connect Siberia to Alaska. But what will the bullet trains that run through the tunnel bring us?

Super-intelligent mutant dogs. That’s what.

Dogs that know how to ride a train into the city because there is more food there. Look, there’s pictures of them right here. Monsters! The dogs even know how to wait for traffic lights before crossing the street.

Since when are dogs smart enough to commute back and forth to the city just like humans? Answer: they aren’t. These dogs obviously got loose from some demonic Soviet genetic engineering lab.

Planet of Apes? Guess again. Here comes Planet of the Dogs!